This is an old story. I have related it a few times when it seemed appropriate, but have never before committed it to text.It is also a vulgar story, or at least a story that involves vulgar language. I would avoid it if I could, but given that the story can’t be told otherwise, I charge ahead. You have been warned.

Some years ago, while Dementia was doing clerical work in an HR office, she was transcribing a recording of an altercation between a male supervisor and a female worker, and the woman used the phrase, “You are fucking ignorant.” Dementia doens’t use that kind of language, but delicacy in this case would serve no one, so she typed it in. The grammar check software perceived a verb being modified by an adjective, and suggested that the word, “igonorant” be replaced by “ignorantly.” The visual image that this inevitably conjured caused Dementia to collapse in a giggling fit.

Later, Dementia related the story to me. This took a bit of creativity, since she doesn’t use that kind of language. I also thought it was very funny, but being me, I wondered about the grammatical issue.

Participles confuse grammar checkers. This is not surprising; participles confuse everyone. But at base, the situation consisted of an adjective (ignorant) modifying a pronoun (you) which was in turn modified by an a participle attempting, unsuccessfully, to serve as an adverb. So: How does one fix it? There are rules for turning participles into adverbs…

Fuckingly. It’s a grammatically valid word. It would seem to mean, “superlatively”, or possibly (to preserve the form) “exceedingly”. I am reasonably confident that it has never actually been used in the wild.

I am also reasonably certain that someone who reads this will take that as a challenge…

Uncle Hyena