One of the various sanity-optional behaviors I practice is to add small rituals to my life in support of the illusion that reality has meaning. One of those rituals is that, when doing the mall walk at Gurnee Mills, I say, “Hello” to the animatronic crocodile at Rainforest Cafe. Regardless of the presence or absence of people, I lean over the parapet and say, “Hello, Goose.” The name is a reference to Gustave, a 20 foot Nile crocodile who has reportedly killed more than 300 people.

Goose spends most of his time just sitting there, but every few minutes he wakes up, roars, and thrashes a bit while small clouds of water vapor roil around him.

Today, as I approached, there was a family gathered around the parapet, looking at Goose, wondering if there was anything more to him than a big green sculpture. I walked around them, leaned over the parapet, and said, “Hello, Goose.” Goose roared and thrashed and steam roiled; the family jumped back and laughed; you could tell that they thought I had had something to do with it. The timing could not have been more perfect. I grinned and continued my walk.

Uncle Hyena